cintamani | (no subject)

title: Change 1/?

series: Answer me 1997 (Eungdabhara 1997/Reply 1997)
characters: Kang Junhee, Yoon Yoonjae, etc

summary: Junhee moves on, or tries to.

Yoonjae knew. It became glaringly obvious the moment Junhee felt the weight of his arm settle around his shoulders from behind.

“Let’s have dinner later.”

He nodded reluctantly, knowing he didn’t want to but at the same time couldn’t say no. He should have felt something, after his failed confession more than six years ago he’d been resigned to never telling Yoonjae again. Certainly he did feel something but Junhee wasn’t sure what it was.

Yoonjae had one arm around his shoulders and his other hand hovered tentatively at Junhee’s arm. It was terrible, he was terrible. For the first time in a long time Junhee allowed himself to read more deeply into the touch than simple habit and familiarity. He wondered how long Yoonjae had known, tried to think back to the casual hugs and pats recently to see if they’d had this same heaviness. He thought Yoonjae must have overheard one of his conversations with Shiwon because Yoonjae was too stupid to figure this kind of thing out.

It gave a deeper meaning to the past few weeks, the things that Yoonjae had said to him, the way he continued to touch him…touched him more even.

Don’t change. That was what the touches meant probably. That even if he knew that Junhee loved him they were still friends and he didn’t want that to ever change. Don’t change, remain as my friend forever. He could almost hear it.

“You’re going to be late,” he reminded gently, pulling away from the embrace that had lingered too long. “I’ll see you tonight,” he assured and Junhee might have pat Yoonjae’s shoulder at that point in the past, offered him a slanted smile and sent him off. Junhee didn’t this time.

Once Yoonjae was out the door he looked in his room once more and made sure nothing had been left behind.

They would always be friends but Junhee had to change.

Being Kang Junhee’s roommate was like being married, that was what he thought the morning after his junior had moved in and found breakfast freshly made and set for two waiting for him when he woke up. It wasn’t really the kind of thing that was expected when two men started rooming together maybe it was a first day thing, the way someone might be on their best behaviour the first day of work. Thinking of it like that made it less startling and more of a pleasant surprise. He could live like this for a week.

“Good morning,” Junhee greeted him as he sat at the table, focused on the food that was neatly laid on the table. “Morning,” he mumbled in return, picking up the chopsticks. It took him a few experimental clicks before he managed to snag some kimchi for himself, still half asleep. It made him wonder how Junhee had managed to not only make breakfast but already look perfectly groomed and awake. Really perfectly groomed, not a hair out of place, the only thing out of place actually was the apron which must have been Junhee’s because he didn’t think he owned one to begin with.

“If this is what it’s like being your roommate I think I’m going to enjoy it.”

“It’s not, I don’t usually make breakfast. I just thought I’d try for a good first impression.”

He laughed at the honesty and Junhee grinned in return, a slanted grin not the symmetrical and polite grin he used at the hospital. “You just ruined it,” he said lightly, still fiddling with his chopsticks.

“Did I? I think if sunbae is always like this in the morning you’re the one that’s going to have a ruined impression.” Junhee returned with a laugh. They were close enough to drop some formalities but Junhee wasn’t someone that was open by nature, that had been the impression anyways. The kind of guy that was impossible to know very well through work only. He was someone that was friendly and got along with others easily, the kind of guy that if he had a younger sister he’d want her to date Junhee. He didn’t really see Junhee laugh much, so seeing him do so relatively early in the morning was nice, the way the smell of coffee was nice in the morning.

Junhee finished eating relatively quickly (he didn’t seem to eat much in the morning, even though he’d made the effort to make a full breakfast) and left the house before he did since Junhee had morning shift today.

He wondered why he’d even bothered to wake up to eat breakfast with his roommate when his shift had ended at 3 am this morning himself. Good behaviour on the first day of work wasn’t something that only Junhee thought of.

For the next three days Junhee didn’t even fully realised that he’d moved at all, it was one of the benefits of a too demanding job. He barely had time to focus on his own feelings or even his meals when it got hectic. He didn’t even have time to return the call from Yoonjae that he missed the day before the last. It wasn’t something that he’d never done before but it wasn’t something common either. Hopefully Yoonjae would simply assume that something had come up at the hospital and not read too deeply into it.

Junhee didn’t try to decide whether there was a deeper meaning. He was too busy to really, had one more sixteen hour shift before his day off and that he’d taken the wrong bus and gone back to the apartment he had shared with Yoonjae accidentally yesterday was purely the doing of his sleep deprived mind.

When Yoonjae showed up at the hospital just as Junhee’s shift ended his smile didn’t come immediately. It was probably because he was running on three hours of sleep; hopefully that was what Yoonjae thought. Junhee checked his phone as he made his way to Yoonjae and saw that he’d miss two more calls.

“Ah, sorry... I didn’t have a chance to check.” It was true, he’d been in surgeries almost all day and had barely had the time to eat lunch let alone check his phone.

“It’s fine, I figure you got busy,” Yoonjae waved dismissively, letting his hand fall on Junhee’s shoulder casually, naturally. “I just wanted to grab dinner together. It’s kind of weird not seeing you for so long.”

Junhee laughed at that, wondering why it was that Yoonjae was the one vocalising that kind of thing when he was the one in love. But then it wasn’t something that Junhee would say, because he was too careful. “Are you saying you miss me already? It’s only been a few days,” he teased as he shrugged Yoonjae’s hand off his shoulder, walking just a half step ahead to make their way out of the hospital.

Even when they had lived together they certainly didn’t see each other every day. Junhee’s work hours were always long and when they were longer he could go an entire week only glimpsing Yoonjae briefly and talking to him over the phone (or only text depending on how hectic his schedule was) and notes scrawled on scraps of paper in the apartment.

“Yeah but you always leave me food even when you’re not around.” Yoonjae caught up, slinging his arm around Junhee’s shoulders in a way that he couldn’t easily remove without being obvious.

“Ah, so you’re just too lazy to feed yourself.”

“Only some days.”

The automatic doors opened and closed, the air outside warm and damp.

“When did it start to rain?” Junhee hadn’t noticed at all, hadn’t even realised that the clouds had been dark and heavy this morning because he’d been in the hospital all day.

“Since this morning, aren’t you glad I came to pick you up?”

They ended up at a small restaurant not too far from the hospital. Honestly since he’d been eating premade and bought food the last few days Junhee had intended to cook but he couldn’t say that without inviting Yoonjae back to the apartment. Which he didn’t want to, didn’t feel ready to have his then and now blend together like that even if it didn’t make sense. But he needed it, that kind of nonsense distance, a space away from Yoonjae.

The food was passable but the specialty coffees were excellent which Junhee had remembered only after suggesting the place. Junhee didn’t have any while Yoonjae ordered something that was more syrup than coffee, topped with fresh whipped cream. It was a moment to sit and talk after dinner, catch up on time that had barely moved forward. It had been less than a week.

At the same time even though it had been such a brief time it felt like something was different.

Maybe all that had ever really been necessary was for him to think, I want to change. It was really simple, wasn’t it? But even though the beginning seemed so simple and easy it was bittersweet and just a little bit painful.

After dinner Junhee let Yoonjae drop him off but told him he’d invite him over another time because he hadn’t unpacked his things properly yet. Because he hadn’t talked to his roommate yet about visitors (“Even though he’s your senior he’s your roommate, do you have to be that formal?” Yoonjae had asked.). He made excuses that he wasn’t sure was necessary because this change was making him nervous.

He put the extra food in the fridge. It took him a moment to figure out where to put the note so that his roommate would see it but he ended up just holding it up with a magnet on the fridge door as well. These sorts of things he’d figure out along the way, certainly.

Not sure what you like to eat but there’s food in the fridge, top shelf. Help yourself.