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Entry tags:
foot in mouth I start to stutter
title: inevitability of breathing
series: Saint Seiya: the Lost Canvas
characters: Degel & Kardia + others
rating: pg
summary: Things get better or worse. Kardia is unsure what is better and what is worse.
author notes: part 2/3
For days Degel did not set foot into Scorpio temple. Kardia had expected it; there was no reasoning behind it, he simply knew. He knew Degel wouldn’t come back. He must have succeeded in driving him away. So when Degel did return Kardia had been upset, yelling at him.
“I knew you wouldn’t come back!”
Degel stared at Kardia as if he were the one that was doing ridiculous things only because of an order. Kardia hated it, there was no point in doing things for other people, Degel should have simply done as he pleased and ignored such ridiculous things. He stared right back though he realized that probably neither of them understood why the other did the same. He didn’t care anyways, it didn’t matter what Degel saw in his expression or why he furrowed his brows, his lips turned into a half frown.
“What are you talking about? I am here right now.” Kardia scowled, half-tempted to lash out at Degel (again). He didn’t in the end but the impulse still came in small twitches. Little jumps of his shoulders and fingers as if the urge to strike something was attempting to act itself out without his permission.
“I don’t want you here,” Kardia said finally. Degel probably hadn’t realized that, he must have been stupid. The visits got longer as the days and weeks passed. Months now, Kardia realized suddenly, he could count the time in months now. Degel dared to smile a little bit then, a faint flicker at the corner of his mouth. “Really.”
Kardia stomped his foot, kicking the floor, when Degel replied with something smug and knowing in his voice.
“Of course! If you did not even know that you must be really stupid!”
Kardia turned and stormed off, leaving Degel standing in the middle of the temple though he knew by now the other boy would surely follow. The third time Degel visited Kardia had led Degel to follow him to one of the side rooms and slammed the door in his face before bolting it. He was tempted to do so again. He remembered how Degel had rapped at the door that time for a bit, not for long. Kardia had thought that he’d left after that and opened the door only to have Degel’s foot swiftly wedge the door open further. The thought made him angry, turning to glare at Degel through the frame of the door for a moment before closing the door in his face and locking it again.
“You will not fool me this time.” Degel and his little tricks, Kardia hated it. Kardia sat heavily (or as heavily as he could, despite his strength he was still too thin) and pressed his back to the door. He would not open it this time.
“Fine, be that way.”
It was quiet for all of two minutes before Kardia shifted, elbow knocking on the wooden door softly. He murmured softly, “I will not open it.”
“That is fine; then I can read in peace.”
Kardia squawked indignantly. He had done it again! Degel bringing his stupid books as if this was where he ought to be, intruding on Kardia and sitting and reading as if he belonged there! As if it was only natural that the two of them were sitting there with a door between them. Kardia knocked at the door with his fists repeatedly forming an unsteady rhythm with the noisy thuds. He would not let Degel read in peace, not here!
It grew quiet again in a few minutes, ending with a slightly louder thump as he slumped back against the door. “Tired of it already?”
“Shut up.”
“That would be nice.”
That left Kardia to gnaw on his lips quietly for a few moments. Eventually he pressed his ear against the door to see if he could hear Degel through it. Nothing. “Are you still there?” He lasted a few more minutes, fiddling with the edge of his shirt before standing and staring at the door. He pressed his ear against it again as if he would hear if Degel were still breathing on the other side. Still nothing. Kardia growled when he opened the door, Degel sitting against the wall just next to it, paging through his stupid book steadily. He glanced up, almost smiling again.
“What are doing here still?” It wasn’t much of a question. Kardia didn’t really care for the reason. He glared at Degel as he stood slowly, marking the page first before he closed the book and stared at Kardia. “Why not? You did not tell me to leave,” Degel spoke evenly as if it all made sense to him, leaning closer even to tilt his head at Kardia knowingly. It only made him more irritated, growling once more and pushing Degel back by the shoulders.
Kardia opened and closed his mouth a few times before the words came out, too angry to speak properly. “Go away!”
He almost looked upset, brows furrowing again and a defined frown shifting his features. “Fine.”
.
The next day and the day after that Degel came still, surprising Kardia. He had expected Degel not to come back, like last time but he did. He was perhaps as stubborn as Kardia was and Kardia did not know how to deal with that. He could not chase Degel away it seemed but then Degel did nothing really other than read. Eventually Kardia simply left him to it again though occasionally he would wonder what it was in those books that held Degel’s attention. He read them as if there were great and many secrets in them, things that would change the world and the fate of man.
Degel had smiled, his face not so serious or sour as when they first met, “There might be, I will not know unless I read them.” Kardia thought perhaps he should not ask Degel his answers were always either ambiguous or useless.
“If you want to know, I can teach you to read.”
Kardia jerked his wandering gaze back to Degel, surprised by the offer. Degel said nothing more, simply letting the offer hang in the air, bobbing idly between them. “I…a saint does not need to know how to read,” he answered finally and decisively, glaring at the book that was still open on the table.
Degel looked as if he was going to argue for a moment. When they did argue it always resulted in Degel simply leaving with a distinctly unhappy expression. Perhaps he would leave now today, though they seemed to argue less as time passed. In the end Degel just sighed, more with his shoulders than anything, shaking his head slightly. “If that is how you feel,” and he left it at that turning the page of his book, searching to see if this one had any secrets. It did not matter to Kardia, he had already decided his own future after all; the books could not change that.
He remained lost in his thoughts for as long as he was capable, staying still even. When he looked up Degel was looking at him and not his book, somehow thoughtful even though he read words that were not his own and thought about things that were not his own making. “If I find any secrets though, I will let you know.”
Kardia shifted, not knowing how that comment made him feel. And he couldn’t help but to wonder if Degel knew somehow, from that book or from something else he could read.
.
Degel’s hand was wrapped around Kardia’s wrist insistently, pulling at him. Kardia resisted, pulling in the opposing direction until Degel finally lost his grip (or let go) and he fell back onto his rear. He kicked at Degel’s ankles when Degel approached again.
“Don’t be so stubborn!”
“No, you stop!”
When they argued it only half made sense to either of them. Kardia thought Degel was ridiculous. And whatever Degel thought of Kardia it was still not enough to drive him away or give up on his other ridiculous ideas.
“You do not leave your temple at all, you’re always here when I come,” Degel accused, hands on his hips. Kardia stood and imitated the posture though he said nothing to refute the accusation. He did not leave, not often anyways. He didn’t see any reason to.
“What are you waiting for?” Degel asked finally, arms dropping to his side, his frustration seeming to dissolve. It happened more often than not as the days and seasons rolled forward, as Degel visited day after day. Degel would come but no enemies, no specters. “The Holy War of course,” Kardia answered; what else could Degel be expecting him to say. That was all that there was to wait for.
His answer made Degel’s face go funny, as if Kardia had said something unbelievable and gross.
“That will not come so soon, our goddess is not yet even present,” Degel’s voice was even, as if he were being reasonable. “There is more than the Holy War to wait for,” he sounded sad. They had spent day after day in the same space but they did not know each other very much at all.
Kardia let his arms fall to his side, “Like what?”
At first he thought Degel would leave. He looked almost frustrated, as he did each time they argued, though not quite. It was something different, washed with feelings more delicate that Kardia didn’t yet recognize. He didn’t get it, were they arguing or not? Kardia thought in simple terms, too simple for anyone else to understand.
It took Degel a long time to answer, thinking until the answer became too big and burdensome. “Everything! You cannot live only to fight in the Holy War!”
To live to fight. To live only to burn out like a supernova. That was all that mattered to Kardia.
“Why not?”
The questions seemed to weigh down on Degel in a whole new way that Kardia had never witnessed until today; it almost looked painful. But he didn’t think Degel would leave yet today. Every day before today Degel would storm out after clenching his jaw and drawing back his shoulders as if he were about to fight.
Today his shoulders were slumped, weighed down or perhaps Kardia’s words were pressing down on him.
“Because there are too many things, you cannot wait for only one thing your whole life! How can you protect things you have never experienced or even seen? You cannot protect life when you will not properly live for yourself.”
Degel grabbed Kardia again, one of his wrists in each of Degel’s hands. “You are coming with me.”
“No.”
There must have been the sound of something shattering then. Degel’s expression clenched and fell, he glanced away from Kardia. Kardia did not look away at all. This as well was something new today. It wasn’t the same frustration; usually it was tinted by childish anger.
“You are impossible.”
“Am I?”
“Yes.”
Maybe this time he would chase Degel away, surely he had broken something, though Kardia hadn’t even been trying to. Kardia stared at Degel’s hands, fingers still wrapped around his wrists.
“Aren’t you going to leave?”
“Not yet.”
“You are strange.”
“No, you are strange.”
That day ended very quietly. Degel walked away finally after a strange and lengthy silence. Kardia waited, still, until he felt Degel depart. Without realizing it his Cosmo began to reach out.
He didn’t understand himself either. Perhaps Degel would not return the next day.
That thought made his heart beat twice instead of once.
.
There were nights when Kardia refused to sleep. It was like the hottest of days contained in his body while around him the night rolled on, cool and distant. His body was something completely separate, burning without considering whatever was happening. Kardia endured it, it was all that kept his feeble heart beating, one, two and onwards. It was so steady now that he was forced to focus on that single sensation, a steady pulse that was at odds with the clench of his fists, the sweat gathered at his brow. He tried to count his breaths instead, fearing he would forget to breathe because all he could hear was his heart. One, two, and onwards until he allowed it to stop.
Eventually he would exhaust himself and lose consciousness. Even then his heart beat on in stubborn determination. It was what made Kardia the person he was. No matter what anyone said they could not change who he was.
It was one of many tedious thoughts. He wondered if he would see heat waves in the air when he looked.
When he opened his eyes Degel was there, hovering over him.
series: Saint Seiya: the Lost Canvas
characters: Degel & Kardia + others
rating: pg
summary: Things get better or worse. Kardia is unsure what is better and what is worse.
author notes: part 2/3
For days Degel did not set foot into Scorpio temple. Kardia had expected it; there was no reasoning behind it, he simply knew. He knew Degel wouldn’t come back. He must have succeeded in driving him away. So when Degel did return Kardia had been upset, yelling at him.
“I knew you wouldn’t come back!”
Degel stared at Kardia as if he were the one that was doing ridiculous things only because of an order. Kardia hated it, there was no point in doing things for other people, Degel should have simply done as he pleased and ignored such ridiculous things. He stared right back though he realized that probably neither of them understood why the other did the same. He didn’t care anyways, it didn’t matter what Degel saw in his expression or why he furrowed his brows, his lips turned into a half frown.
“What are you talking about? I am here right now.” Kardia scowled, half-tempted to lash out at Degel (again). He didn’t in the end but the impulse still came in small twitches. Little jumps of his shoulders and fingers as if the urge to strike something was attempting to act itself out without his permission.
“I don’t want you here,” Kardia said finally. Degel probably hadn’t realized that, he must have been stupid. The visits got longer as the days and weeks passed. Months now, Kardia realized suddenly, he could count the time in months now. Degel dared to smile a little bit then, a faint flicker at the corner of his mouth. “Really.”
Kardia stomped his foot, kicking the floor, when Degel replied with something smug and knowing in his voice.
“Of course! If you did not even know that you must be really stupid!”
Kardia turned and stormed off, leaving Degel standing in the middle of the temple though he knew by now the other boy would surely follow. The third time Degel visited Kardia had led Degel to follow him to one of the side rooms and slammed the door in his face before bolting it. He was tempted to do so again. He remembered how Degel had rapped at the door that time for a bit, not for long. Kardia had thought that he’d left after that and opened the door only to have Degel’s foot swiftly wedge the door open further. The thought made him angry, turning to glare at Degel through the frame of the door for a moment before closing the door in his face and locking it again.
“You will not fool me this time.” Degel and his little tricks, Kardia hated it. Kardia sat heavily (or as heavily as he could, despite his strength he was still too thin) and pressed his back to the door. He would not open it this time.
“Fine, be that way.”
It was quiet for all of two minutes before Kardia shifted, elbow knocking on the wooden door softly. He murmured softly, “I will not open it.”
“That is fine; then I can read in peace.”
Kardia squawked indignantly. He had done it again! Degel bringing his stupid books as if this was where he ought to be, intruding on Kardia and sitting and reading as if he belonged there! As if it was only natural that the two of them were sitting there with a door between them. Kardia knocked at the door with his fists repeatedly forming an unsteady rhythm with the noisy thuds. He would not let Degel read in peace, not here!
It grew quiet again in a few minutes, ending with a slightly louder thump as he slumped back against the door. “Tired of it already?”
“Shut up.”
“That would be nice.”
That left Kardia to gnaw on his lips quietly for a few moments. Eventually he pressed his ear against the door to see if he could hear Degel through it. Nothing. “Are you still there?” He lasted a few more minutes, fiddling with the edge of his shirt before standing and staring at the door. He pressed his ear against it again as if he would hear if Degel were still breathing on the other side. Still nothing. Kardia growled when he opened the door, Degel sitting against the wall just next to it, paging through his stupid book steadily. He glanced up, almost smiling again.
“What are doing here still?” It wasn’t much of a question. Kardia didn’t really care for the reason. He glared at Degel as he stood slowly, marking the page first before he closed the book and stared at Kardia. “Why not? You did not tell me to leave,” Degel spoke evenly as if it all made sense to him, leaning closer even to tilt his head at Kardia knowingly. It only made him more irritated, growling once more and pushing Degel back by the shoulders.
Kardia opened and closed his mouth a few times before the words came out, too angry to speak properly. “Go away!”
He almost looked upset, brows furrowing again and a defined frown shifting his features. “Fine.”
.
The next day and the day after that Degel came still, surprising Kardia. He had expected Degel not to come back, like last time but he did. He was perhaps as stubborn as Kardia was and Kardia did not know how to deal with that. He could not chase Degel away it seemed but then Degel did nothing really other than read. Eventually Kardia simply left him to it again though occasionally he would wonder what it was in those books that held Degel’s attention. He read them as if there were great and many secrets in them, things that would change the world and the fate of man.
Degel had smiled, his face not so serious or sour as when they first met, “There might be, I will not know unless I read them.” Kardia thought perhaps he should not ask Degel his answers were always either ambiguous or useless.
“If you want to know, I can teach you to read.”
Kardia jerked his wandering gaze back to Degel, surprised by the offer. Degel said nothing more, simply letting the offer hang in the air, bobbing idly between them. “I…a saint does not need to know how to read,” he answered finally and decisively, glaring at the book that was still open on the table.
Degel looked as if he was going to argue for a moment. When they did argue it always resulted in Degel simply leaving with a distinctly unhappy expression. Perhaps he would leave now today, though they seemed to argue less as time passed. In the end Degel just sighed, more with his shoulders than anything, shaking his head slightly. “If that is how you feel,” and he left it at that turning the page of his book, searching to see if this one had any secrets. It did not matter to Kardia, he had already decided his own future after all; the books could not change that.
He remained lost in his thoughts for as long as he was capable, staying still even. When he looked up Degel was looking at him and not his book, somehow thoughtful even though he read words that were not his own and thought about things that were not his own making. “If I find any secrets though, I will let you know.”
Kardia shifted, not knowing how that comment made him feel. And he couldn’t help but to wonder if Degel knew somehow, from that book or from something else he could read.
.
Degel’s hand was wrapped around Kardia’s wrist insistently, pulling at him. Kardia resisted, pulling in the opposing direction until Degel finally lost his grip (or let go) and he fell back onto his rear. He kicked at Degel’s ankles when Degel approached again.
“Don’t be so stubborn!”
“No, you stop!”
When they argued it only half made sense to either of them. Kardia thought Degel was ridiculous. And whatever Degel thought of Kardia it was still not enough to drive him away or give up on his other ridiculous ideas.
“You do not leave your temple at all, you’re always here when I come,” Degel accused, hands on his hips. Kardia stood and imitated the posture though he said nothing to refute the accusation. He did not leave, not often anyways. He didn’t see any reason to.
“What are you waiting for?” Degel asked finally, arms dropping to his side, his frustration seeming to dissolve. It happened more often than not as the days and seasons rolled forward, as Degel visited day after day. Degel would come but no enemies, no specters. “The Holy War of course,” Kardia answered; what else could Degel be expecting him to say. That was all that there was to wait for.
His answer made Degel’s face go funny, as if Kardia had said something unbelievable and gross.
“That will not come so soon, our goddess is not yet even present,” Degel’s voice was even, as if he were being reasonable. “There is more than the Holy War to wait for,” he sounded sad. They had spent day after day in the same space but they did not know each other very much at all.
Kardia let his arms fall to his side, “Like what?”
At first he thought Degel would leave. He looked almost frustrated, as he did each time they argued, though not quite. It was something different, washed with feelings more delicate that Kardia didn’t yet recognize. He didn’t get it, were they arguing or not? Kardia thought in simple terms, too simple for anyone else to understand.
It took Degel a long time to answer, thinking until the answer became too big and burdensome. “Everything! You cannot live only to fight in the Holy War!”
To live to fight. To live only to burn out like a supernova. That was all that mattered to Kardia.
“Why not?”
The questions seemed to weigh down on Degel in a whole new way that Kardia had never witnessed until today; it almost looked painful. But he didn’t think Degel would leave yet today. Every day before today Degel would storm out after clenching his jaw and drawing back his shoulders as if he were about to fight.
Today his shoulders were slumped, weighed down or perhaps Kardia’s words were pressing down on him.
“Because there are too many things, you cannot wait for only one thing your whole life! How can you protect things you have never experienced or even seen? You cannot protect life when you will not properly live for yourself.”
Degel grabbed Kardia again, one of his wrists in each of Degel’s hands. “You are coming with me.”
“No.”
There must have been the sound of something shattering then. Degel’s expression clenched and fell, he glanced away from Kardia. Kardia did not look away at all. This as well was something new today. It wasn’t the same frustration; usually it was tinted by childish anger.
“You are impossible.”
“Am I?”
“Yes.”
Maybe this time he would chase Degel away, surely he had broken something, though Kardia hadn’t even been trying to. Kardia stared at Degel’s hands, fingers still wrapped around his wrists.
“Aren’t you going to leave?”
“Not yet.”
“You are strange.”
“No, you are strange.”
That day ended very quietly. Degel walked away finally after a strange and lengthy silence. Kardia waited, still, until he felt Degel depart. Without realizing it his Cosmo began to reach out.
He didn’t understand himself either. Perhaps Degel would not return the next day.
That thought made his heart beat twice instead of once.
.
There were nights when Kardia refused to sleep. It was like the hottest of days contained in his body while around him the night rolled on, cool and distant. His body was something completely separate, burning without considering whatever was happening. Kardia endured it, it was all that kept his feeble heart beating, one, two and onwards. It was so steady now that he was forced to focus on that single sensation, a steady pulse that was at odds with the clench of his fists, the sweat gathered at his brow. He tried to count his breaths instead, fearing he would forget to breathe because all he could hear was his heart. One, two, and onwards until he allowed it to stop.
Eventually he would exhaust himself and lose consciousness. Even then his heart beat on in stubborn determination. It was what made Kardia the person he was. No matter what anyone said they could not change who he was.
It was one of many tedious thoughts. He wondered if he would see heat waves in the air when he looked.
When he opened his eyes Degel was there, hovering over him.